Today, i just felt weird.
It’s totally normal for me to feel strange but today it was just like stupid. Like normally I am so caught up in everything that i’m doing, work, school, homework, internship, newspaper, other work, more work, more homework, reading a book, family, trying to have a social life…and replay. My mind is constantly consumed by the troubles throughout the world, what I want to buy next, jobs i want to apply for in anticipation of graduation in may, trips i’d love to take, and i am constantly conflicted with whether i want to flee to the countryside and give up all materialistic desires, or if i want to make lots of money working at a corporation.
Normally, my days consist of many thoughts, but more actions, and less time to think, just think. I am constantly distracted by what’s around me, what’s in front me that needs to be done and whatever professor is talking at me. Today, two of my classes didn’t happen, for whatever irrelevant reason, and i stayed home to read a book. Thinking, there is nothing else i can really do right now….probably (definitely) untrue.
I just felt this emptiness then, realizing that every day for the past (i don’t even know, it’s just been since i can remember) I have been constantly consumed by a song, a person, a job(s), school, a trip. I haven’t taken a break, since two years ago. I am a thriving person when being busy, thriving in every possible way. Often times my physical and mental health are put on the back burner, but recently i have been taking care of myself in ways that improve me professionally, personally, physically and emotionally. Striving to find a balance within everything. It’s just i am so distracted I never really have a chance to realize how lonely i can be. I am the typical i’m independent and proud type of girl. I pride myself on it, and I don’t give a flying fuck about what others think of me and frankly i don’t stand for that for anyone but myself, I choose to be alone, all the time, and sometimes i crave someone who knows me. Someone who knows my entire schedule everyday. Someone who wants to hangout at the drop of the hat, and doesn’t want to do anything really but be with me. i have had it before, i’m not totally against relationships, i just have the ability to enjoy being alone, in fact i love it and it’s just easy right now, i have a few best friends that i hang out with regularly, but sometimes you just crave…a different kind of relationship.
so, maybe i’m a little fucking lonely. I’m gonna get over it because i’ve been lonely sometimes for a very long time. At the end of the day i like crawling into my bed alone…maybe someday that’ll change *