i wanna be forgotten and i don’t wanna be reminded

Today, i just felt weird.

It’s totally normal for me to feel strange but today it was just like stupid. Like normally I am so caught up in everything that i’m doing, work, school, homework, internship, newspaper, other work, more work, more homework, reading a book, family, trying to have a social life…and replay. My mind is constantly consumed by the troubles throughout the world, what I want to buy next, jobs i want to apply for in anticipation of graduation in may, trips i’d love to take, and i am constantly conflicted with whether i want to flee to the countryside and give up all materialistic desires, or if i want to make lots of money working at a corporation.

Normally, my days consist of many thoughts, but more actions, and less time to think, just think. I am constantly distracted by what’s around me, what’s in front me that needs to be done and whatever professor is talking at me. Today, two of my classes didn’t happen, for whatever irrelevant reason, and i stayed home to read a book. Thinking, there is nothing else i can really do right now….probably (definitely) untrue.

I just felt this emptiness then, realizing that every day for the past (i don’t even know, it’s just been since i can remember) I have been constantly consumed by a song, a person, a job(s), school, a trip. I haven’t taken a break, since two years ago. I am a thriving person when being busy, thriving in every possible way. Often times my physical and mental health are put on the back burner, but recently i have been taking care of myself in ways that improve me professionally, personally, physically and emotionally. Striving to find a balance within everything. It’s just i am so distracted I never really have a chance to realize how lonely i can be. I am the typical i’m independent and proud type of girl. I pride myself on it, and I don’t give a flying fuck about what others think of me and frankly i don’t stand for that for anyone but myself, I choose to be alone, all the time, and sometimes i crave someone who knows me. Someone who knows my entire schedule everyday. Someone who wants to hangout at the drop of the hat, and doesn’t want to do anything really but be with me. i have had it before, i’m not totally against relationships, i just have the ability to enjoy being alone, in fact i love it and it’s just easy right now, i have a few best friends that i hang out with regularly, but sometimes you just crave…a different kind of relationship.

so, maybe i’m a little fucking lonely. I’m gonna get over it because i’ve been lonely sometimes for a very long time. At the end of the day i like crawling into my bed alone…maybe someday that’ll change *

September 24

Three days before I left for Spain last year…this time it’s really hard. I keep thinking about how temporary this year is, i always have this mindset. I’m moving soon, always picking up and leaving, packing up clothing items, and shoes and a few photos that i want with me, but really, i don’t have a desire to stay in one place. I never really have, i’ve always romanticized leaving, and wandering and…i love it.

Except for in Spain, in Spain i fell in love. Not with a person but with a physical place. I fell in love there, I fell in love in Portugal, in France, with all my friends from Canada, my friends from Germany and Japan and Thailand and England. But, in Spain, I really fell in love. The type of love that starts to feel like home, in a way that you don’t want to leave, really you want to stay. You feel comfortable there, the sound of Spanish in my ears was comforting, the accent on the c and z was music to my ears, and it was what i heard when i was at home… My small bedroom in a narrow flat above a bar, where I looked out at the street to buildings and skinny streets filled with Spaniards at all hours of the day and night.

Even Madrid, a huge city with thousands more people than the small city I came from, it felt like home. It felt like home walking down the busy streets in the middle of the night and in the bars and even in hostels. It immediately felt like home. By the end of the trip it came full circle to me staring out the balcony of a much nicer hotel in Madrid, where I looked out to the hustle and bustle, cabs and Spaniards just going out to eat dinner and enjoy their night. I packed my suitcases with gifts and clothes I’d bought while abroad, along with countless souvenirs and mental pictures that would never fade, or get lost. I looked out the window, thinking that three months ago i thought i’d be ready for this day, but i wasn’t. I was ready to be there, and it was already over. And I thought, why do i have this feeling like i’m leaving home? I have only spent three fucking months here. It was a part of me, is a part of me now. I think about Spain everyday and laugh and smile and cry, it never leaves me. I long for it, I cherish what it is and what it was, I can’t wait to go back, but I know that it will be waiting for me, always. So, I live but I feel for it, i long for it.

And now, a year later, I still long to go back. So much so that I thought this morning, if i had the chance I would make the decision today, to get up and leave again, to go back there. Fully knowing that it might not be exactly how it was a year ago, I thought confidently it’s Spain, the adventure is always there….*

Anticipation

It still isn’t here and i am fully anticipating the day when i get on a flight and know that i will be somewhere I’ve been wanting to be for so long. To know that i will be doing something i’ve been talking about, something that has always been intangible, a dream unfulfilled, and i knew it was about to happen. It’s a feeling like, you’re holding your breath for something because you’re so afraid something will get in the way and stop you from fulfilling it and now it is so close…

Fall adventure

It would be coming up so soon. Finishing up my last few days in the States for a while. Packing up suitcases full of clothes I wouldn’t even need. Dreaming every night of the Plaza Mayor photos I’d seen and thinking i’m finally getting out of here. Adventure awaits.

*gn

Spain – pt 2

Often times, I drink too much coffee to fall asleep, which leads me to be a barely functional person the following day, forcing myself to drink more coffee – and the circle continues.

I am constantly amazed with how much I am able to get done…and then still have time to dream about things i’d rather be doing. Like today, how I would have rather been in Montreal…already. Or like, how most days I rather would be in Spain, in easy classes, going out every night into the cobblestone streets, drinking sangria until I am singing and dancing in the same bars, with my very best friends from all over the world.

This time last year, I wasn’t in school. I was finishing up a part-time summer job, packing suitcases and preparing mentally for four months abroad. The fall air filed my lungs with anxiousness and excitement for the first part of September. And this time, next week I would be hopping on a plan full of random people to Madrid.

I remember feeling so adventurous when I first got there. Expecting so much and having no idea what to expect at all. I remember just immersing myself so well that I didn’t stop and think about anything or anywhere else. I was there, all there, every part of me. And, at first, I had hoped to record each of my daily occurrences in this blog. It’s why it was created in the first place, really, but once I got there I realized it was totally unrealistic.

I barely blogged while I was abroad, and although i have countless photos my dream is to someday (soon) write a book of my three (wild and crazy) months in Spain – and other countries. An adventure I will never re-live but recount almost every single day.

So, since i have to blog everyday for this class anyway, I decided I am going to re-count my daily life in Spain with this blog. I will start tomorrow re-counting how i felt up until i left on Sept 27th of 2013. Everyday thereafter until the end of the semester will virtually be spent in Spain, and other European travel adventures I embarked on.

Here it goes – Stay tuned.

i know it’s past midnight

but my days often run together, and almost always run past midnight. for me thursday hasn’t begun and i am barely ready for it. today i called my dad to ask him about mushrooms and it made me feel really good about our relationship. other than that life is great and i’m just happy.

counting down the days to montreal and seeing my amazing friends. xxx *yawn

Life moves. fast.

It is weird how quickly things happen. A year ago my aunt was doing just fine, she went back to Pakistan, she traveled back here all by herself. She would help me take care of the kids (my cousins & her grandchildren) whenever I babysat. And then all of a sudden one day I saw her an she was skinny, frail, weak and the life was slowly being sucked from her spirit, I could tell. Her arms were only bone an skin and her legs looked even worse, seeing her in her wheelchair i thought, how does she even maintain… Last weekend is when I really saw it coming. It’s funny because my cousins were in Chicago and my sister and I were in Chicago to see a concert and we decided last minute to stay an extra day with my cousins and aunt, randomly. We spent the day and night eating Indian food on Devon St. an I laughed with my little cousins about things that I could only laugh about with them. But that night I saw my aunt struggling to even lift her hands, shaking, she could no longer go to the bathroom herself or even lift herself out of bed. When she spoke it was like a mumble, an incoherent mumble of Urdu and whatever she spoke of English. I told my dad (her brother) when I got home that night that his sister was weak, and dying.

“She’s too weak to come back from whatever she is sick with.” I told my dad.

He understood, he knew it ha been getting bad, but he was upset with my cousin for taking his sister to Chicago in her state.

So, a week later my dad told me we were going to the hospital to see her. “They gave her 10 days to live, so we have to go tomorrow.” My dad tol me over the phone. He had been going to the hospital the last few days an I know he knew what was coming too.

On Sunday I came home an read a book on the couch while my dad watched some football and told me that we would all go to the hospital in a little while. At 3:30 my dad walked in, “Yasmeen, we have to go, she’s passed.” he said.

Often times when my dad is talking to more than one of me and my siblings he will say my name. My parents do that because I am dependable an always responsive. I know when to be, sometimes i like the directiveness toward me and sometimes i despise being the dependable child.

We went and spent the whole evening at the hospital, and the whole next evening with my close family. After the funeral we got away from all the random and given, supportive, friends. My dad cooked and other people brought over heeps of Pakistani food and we ate, we even laughed, we talked and we just got to all be together, without missing a beat, for the first time in a long time.

It was nice, even in the circumstances. My cousin’s house felt empty though. I had been over there countless times with my aunty and my cousins and there was a missing piece last night when we all ate and laughed and I looked around and she wasn’t there…which is when it really effected me. I have never cried for a death, I haven’t ever really lost someone close to me. This time, it just felt more real and I sympathized with my cousin for losing his mom and my dad for losing his sister and if I couldn’t cry I thought, I could at least understand what was happening and be consciously aware that she was gone, which is sad enough.

But, all and all I know that this has made me feel different than I ever have before and I am effected by it. It’s weird how fast it happened and now she’s gone.

Life is cool

So, it’s the beginning of another school year. Doing my homework late at night, putting things off until the very last moment because “that’s how i work best,” but it really is. I’m so tired and just thinking about all the things that might happen this year is exhausting me.

All i wanted tonight was to eat ice cream and walk around eastown. I got gelato. it was delicious. I want to go back to Paris. I spent another weekend in Chicago. Another whirlwind of events passing over my head and i’m just having fun. I want to keep having fuuuuun. Life is cool. Goodnight *yawn

Blossoming

Today I was thinking about just how different everyone is but how everyone has a chance to own that. Like as we get older we grow into who we really are and what we really love without thinking too much about it. I think it’s starting to come more natural and with it I am able to appreciate very different people for who they are because they’re different. I hope other people see that too.

Anxiousness

I’m so tired. I have been running around all day. I was offered another internship at the company I am at now and I am so excited. It involves what I looove doing with people I looove working with, so i’m excited. In celebration and in honor of the fact that I have not traveled all summer I bought a somewhat impulsive, somewhat anticipated plane ticket tonight, to montreal in october. I have great friends there whom I met while studying in Spain. It should be great. I’m excited but this entire day i’ve just been anxious, anxious because i am a control freak and the future is soooooo unknown. I can’t stop thinking about it, but I must. I spend so much time alone, going insane because there is just so much I am constantly trying to do. So, I bought a plane ticket.

I need to breathe, and sleep. *yawn