para qué

So far, my life feels like it’s been made up of little, temporary decisions. A school for four years, a country for three months, a rental house for nine months, a drink for the moment… The only life-long lasting things I’ve chosen thus far are my friends, and that was almost all completely by accident.

Now, everywhere I go people are asking “what’s next?” where are you going, for what, what are you doing, with who, and how is this going to play into…the rest of your life?

I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I feel limited. I don’t know why people think i’m ready to make a decision that involves me working somewhere indefinitely, living somewhere that could potentially be the place i “end up.” I’ve made decisions about jobs, internships, a bachelors degree, but it all felt temporary to me. Decisions that all seemed to be leading up to something else. Then before I saw it coming, i’m sitting here trying to figure out what all of those decisions and actions has led me to…because i’m still in the same place. Trying to figure out where I want to live when there are countless cities and countries i still haven’t seen, trying to figure out where to go next, what to do, when my passions and interests expand daily. I want someone to tell me that it’s alright that it’s taken me this long to leave when i’ve been wanting it for a while, and for someone to tell me that the next decision i make won’t close any doors, and determine the city i’ll live in, permanently for several more years.

Although my anxiety has always spanned much further than i have the capability to see with my own eyes, my plans have felt temporary, always. I plan trips months before they happen and don’t look much further. I worry about things i have no control over but the idea that i have to make a decision that will potentially determine what i can do for the rest of m life just scares the shit out of me.

But, thinking like this kind of makes me feel like an unappreciative brat. Like, countless people have supported me in my “temporary” dreams, my three months in other countries, three weeks in other states, and random dreams that pop up daily. People have met with me in other cities and countries simply to try and help me with this big decision and here i am complaining when i actually have a choice. I feel like i should “check my privilege,” before i go off complaining about the fact that I have had all of these awesome short-term opportunities. The ones that are leading me to other places and people, although that place is still unclear, i feel like my feet are still moving, in some direction anyway.

I haven’t shut any doors and I don’t have to let any decision get in the way of where I want to go next. I have the opportunity to work for whatever I want, and i have the chance to go places without anyone or anything holding me back. 22 seems young, but maybe that’s the best part about it. So we take a bunch of chances and make some mistakes, just because we’re not students anymore doesn’t mean we have to go out there and act like everything we do is perfect and like everything we do will be what we do for the rest of our lives. I guess i miss this a lot. After one has been in school constantly since the age of 4, it’s hard to understand what the world even means without a structured educational system determining every year, forcing you to live by the measurement of a semester and tuition amount. So i have more than $35,000 of student debt…. i still have the whole world to see. That seems like a bright enough side for me to temporarily see…

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